Babies, Babies, and no babies

My brother and his girlfriend just had their first daughter this summer, and most of my friends have children now. As most women can relate, whenever you go to a baby shower, or family function, everyone with children seems to ask the same question, "when are you going to have kids?".  Before I found out that i had Endometriosis, that question never seemed to bother me, but now, knowing that having children might be difficult, or maybe not even happen at all, that question seems to really hit me emotionally.  I really think it is meant as compliment, as if saying they would think you would be a good parent.  But when I hear those words now, all I can do is fight back the tears.  I am one of those people who all I ever wanted in my life was to be a parent.   

This last month, has been a really emotional time for me.  My sister just announced that she was pregnant with her FOURTH child.  Thats right, I said fourth.  Although I love my nieces and nephews very much, and I am happy to have a new addition to my family, I can't help but feel down about it.  I keep thinking how can God give her four children, when I might not even get to experience being a parent at all.  When my sister told me about her pregnancy she actually said the words "and it only took me two months of trying."  Out of all people to say that to, why me?  And out of all people to say it, Why my sister?  She knows that I have this disease, Was she trying to hurt my feelings?  Why is God throwing the pregnancy issue right in my face?  All these questions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don't know if what I am feeling is jealousy, selfishness, or if I am just trying to compete with my sister, but I know whatever it may be, it hurts.  It hurts to see everyone around me being able to celebrate holidays with their children, and knowing that I might not ever get to feel that joy.  It hurts when people ask me when i am going to have kids, because the answer is I might not get the opportunity.  It hurts to know that my dream of a family might never come true.  

I have come to realize that only God knows what is going to happen to me. Only God can comfort me, when I am feeling vulnerable.  Only God has the ability to give me the great joy and honor of being a mother.   Only God knows the plan for my life.  So, I am going to put my trust in him, and letting him guide me through this. I am going to put my faith in him, because it gives me comfort to know that I am in his hands, and that he knows what is best for me.  He is my answer.